I can count the times I’ve been to the Emergency Room in my life on one hand. (Not counting when I’ve been there with the kids) I don’t like hospitals, I like doctors even less, usually. I don’t even really like taking my kids to the doctor. But I do, if it’s absolutely necessary.

So on October 16, 2013, because my husband and sister-in-law made encouraged me to, I drove to the Emergency Room at the hospital where my husband works. He’s in IT…nothing medical or even remotely hospital-y.

I walked in and met him in the lobby where we checked-in at the desk. He looked so professional…and concerned. It was comforting to have him with me. As we waited for my name to be called, I paced and told him that I felt really silly being here as this is not an emergency. When they called my name, I sat next to the nurse’s desk while she took my vitals and asked me why I was there. (I had rehearsed this in the car on the way) My symptoms included: headaches, nausea, vomiting, pressure in the back of my head, dizziness but not vertigo (or so I thought), balance issues and profound hearing loss in one ear. She took note of all of it in her computer, while her phone sat right next to it staring at her.

She said again, “what are your symptoms?” I rattled them off again. Headaches, nausea, vomiting, pressure in the back of my head, dizziness but not vertigo, balance issues and profound hearing loss in one ear.

Then she picked up her head, looked at me, cocked it to one side and said, “Let me get this straight, so you’re here because you have a headache?”

In my head, I screamed, “I AM NOT LOOKING FOR A MEAL, OR A PLACE TO STAY FOR A FEW HOURS. I AM NOT A DRUG ADDICT LOOKING FOR A FIX. LOOK AT ME, I HATE BEING HERE EVEN MORE THAN YOU HATE YOUR JOB APPARENTLY! NOW, QUIT DIAGNOSING ME WHICH IS NOT PART OF YOUR JOB AND GET ME INTO A ROOM” and I calmly said, “My symptoms include: headaches, nausea, vomiting, pressure in the back of my head, dizziness but not vertigo, balance issues and profound hearing loss in one ear.”

She said, “Ok, here’s your bracelet, So-and-so will take you to your room.”

I got to my room, closed the privacy curtain and began to change into a hospital gown. I was still muttering to my husband about how silly I felt being there, and now after the way the nurse looked at me, I felt even sillier. He said to let it go, you are where you need to be. He is always the voice of reason.

As we waited for the emergency room doctor to come in, a crowd started to gather outside of my room. I recognized a few of the faces as being people who my husband worked with and some I didn’t know.

A few minutes later, the ER doctor finally arrived. Once again, I told him my symptoms: headaches, nausea, vomiting, pressure in the back of my head, dizziness but not vertigo (or so I thought), balance issues and profound hearing loss in one ear. He felt my face and asked if I had numbness anywhere else. I said, no. I didn’t even realize I had numbness in my face. He felt my arms and legs for more numbness and said something about possible Bells Palsy but they were going to send me for a CT scan just to be sure. They would come get me for that in another few minutes.

Finally, we were getting somewhere. The crowd outside my curtain muttered among themselves and my husband went out to tell them what is going on.

They loaded me into a wheelchair (is that really necessary?!) and wheeled me down for a CT scan. It was relatively quick and painless, I don’t really remember much else about it.

When they brought me back, I smiled and waved to the crowd hovering around my room, and laughed with them about how silly this was and I hope to be on my way home soon.

The next thing I remember was the doctor coming back in with the results of the CT scan. Then he said the words I will never forget. We found a mass in your head. And I barely heard anything else. At one point, he tried to show us how big it is with his hand, but he gave up and said, it’s big. I remember him being very sympathetic, I remember him saying, we are going to send you for an MRI to see if it’s cancer and to see if there are tumors anywhere else in your body…and then everything stopped. My whole world stood still. I caught a glimpse of the crowd outside my room as the doctor was leaving and they muttered among themselves and looked at me but I couldn’t hear a single sound.

I collapsed into my husband’s arms and I cried. He cried. We cried together and held on to each other for a long time. He held my hand and just when I thought I could catch my breath, I collapsed and I started crying again.

I finally sighed, took a deep breath, wiped away the tears and said, ok, what do we do now? He just looked at me with such concern and worry. I said, “I need to get that MRI, so we can figure out what this thing is, and how we proceed from here. I am not going to die, God did not give me 5 kids to snatch me away from them and leave you too. He just doesn’t work that way. I am not going to die.”

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